Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
