do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
