When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
