god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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