My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
