just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
