What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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