When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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