Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
