Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
