did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
