It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
