Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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