you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
