I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
