every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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