I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
