And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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