i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
