I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
