Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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