i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
