Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We're too hungover to prance.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
