I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
