whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
