I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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