oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
