Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
