Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
