She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
