I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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