some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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