i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
