chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize