So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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