Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
