Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
