My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
