that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
