We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
