He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
