I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
