So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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