I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
