I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
