I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
