someone threw a dead crab at me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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