I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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