Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
