I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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