your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
