When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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