oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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