There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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