i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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