he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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