Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
