Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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